A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it’s for. He responds, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, “What do you have in it?” She […]
Q: Did you hear about the dead lawyer who was too big to fit in a coffin? A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
So, my wife’s lying there. She’s smoking her special after-sex Benson and Hedges 9000. She goes, ‘You know, John, we’ve been married a long time. Maybe it’s time we thought about having a threesome.’ ‘Yeah.’ Then I said, ‘You know what, Fran? I’m 260, you’re 180 — I think we just had a threesome.’
Clothing sizes are weird, they go: small, medium, large and then extra large, extra extra large, extra extra extra large. Something happened at large, they just gave up. They were like, ‘I’m not doing any more adjectives; you just keep putting extras on there.’ We could do better than that: small, medium, large, whoa, easy, […]
One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and […]
Q: Why did the fat turkey cross the road? A: To get hit by my car.
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, “Well I carried this child around […]
They say you gotta live every day as if it’s your last. I don’t recommend that. I tried that one time. It was a Wednesday — I woke up, quit my job, slapped a cop and hit on my girlfriend’s mother. Then, Thursday rolled around. Much to my chagrin, found out they don’t have no […]
A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ”As soon as I clock off” he said, ”I’m going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.” The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped […]
When you were in the gang then, you just had to look cool, just walk around and look like you were tough. Someone started talking about fighting — ‘No, man, I’ve got to go home.’