FUNNY JOKES

A BLONDE & HER THERMOS

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it’s for. He responds, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, “What do you have in it?” She […]

JOHN DIRESTA: THREESOME

So, my wife’s lying there. She’s smoking her special after-sex Benson and Hedges 9000. She goes, ‘You know, John, we’ve been married a long time. Maybe it’s time we thought about having a threesome.’ ‘Yeah.’ Then I said, ‘You know what, Fran? I’m 260, you’re 180 — I think we just had a threesome.’

A LESSON IN MORALS

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and […]

A MAN’S LOGIC

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, “Well I carried this child around […]

DWAYNE KENNEDY: EVERY DAY AS IF IT’S YOUR LAST

They say you gotta live every day as if it’s your last. I don’t recommend that. I tried that one time. It was a Wednesday — I woke up, quit my job, slapped a cop and hit on my girlfriend’s mother. Then, Thursday rolled around. Much to my chagrin, found out they don’t have no […]

THANK YOU FOR FLYING WITH US

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ”As soon as I clock off” he said, ”I’m going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the arse off that blonde flight attendant.” The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped […]

A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought for a […]

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972 Dearest John: Today the postman brought […]